Our area was under attack, yet again today, as more of these dumb activists launched their third lawsuit against the federal government regarding our Manna refuge. They allege, this time that the gubment needs to hand over documents from the "sad days" of the site in operation, regarding illegalities the plant committed in the face of federal and state laws and regulations.
"It's getting to the point that I can't even go outside without someone yelling that I'm a dumba--" said Leigh McBitchyFace, formerly of Peak Drive, and now of the development along W 92nd. "My husband and I love to buy and sell houses here in Cansellus, and one of these days, we'll actually make a profit at closing" she added. "As long as three banks are willing to mortgage me, I can't see any risk to sitting here and waiting to make my fortune" she quipped while fronting her child, Bush, to the camera. "This is my petri dish. As long as she grows up big and healthy, I can conquer whatever these weird hippies have to say." She continued, "the gubment cleaned up this area to sparkling clean standards years ago, and I don't see why any one would have issue with us and I think the area gets a bad rep."
Our reporter was scratching her head as she left the scene. Data pulled from the MLS shows that in fact Cansellus residents have the slowest appreciation of the entire metropolitan area, and we are still waiting for someone to make money at closing when they sell. It is our position, that while you certainly are all encouraged to stay in the area, we don't want you to have any big, fake ideas about the area. We exist to take your money. If you prove the naysayers wrong, so be it. But have no misconceptions about your investment.
This is a rapidly developing story, and we expect updates very soon,.
A group of naysayers to our community recently filed a lawsuit against the government arguing their cryholes were butthurt over our gorgeous, stunning, and irrefutable treasure, the Manna refuge, and in response, District Court Judge A. Man ruled as follows:
"Owing to the decision in crap v. shit in 1332, the Plaintiffs are premature in their Motion to the Court. Plaintiffs are not barred by any means from their recourse, rather they need to wait their turn and present such claims to the court, when it is appropriately timely."
We need to be on high alert everyone. These so called activists are again trying to reign in our parade. Beware, and be cautious!
Cansellus, "life. absurd." was pleased to announce today that they've opened their community garden, 'Cansellus Farms' to the public.
"We are going to give our residents a sense that everything is a-okay here" remarked Julie, the new activities director.
Growing random mutations of various vegetables, the community garden wishes to convey to residents the by-gone days of white picket fences, and a farm in the backyard.
"Can I eat this?" asked our reporter as he plucked a seventeen pound tomater off its stalk. "Oh dear god, no!" yelled Julie. She continued "Christ, are you insane? This is for photos and making the community feel better about themselves for purchasing, not for eating."
Our reporter unfortunately was famished, and quickly wrapped up the interview to head to our local Wendy's and grab himself a burger, cooked to perfection. Julie called him later on in the day to offer "that tomater could have had pesticides in it, that could have poisoned you!"
Owing to the complexity of the interview, all our reporter was able to inform Julie of was, "that's not a watermelon growing, that's cancer, and I still want that tomater."
We look forward to reporting more on our wonderful garden as soon as both reporter, and activities director calm their mood.
We have to issue a rush apology to all of our residents regarding the recent paint color schemes in central Cansellus.
See, Karen, lost the password to our computer system, and without the ability to log in and look at our approved selections, a ton of schemes got approved that frankly look like dog-poo rotting in Phoenix on a hot summer day.
We do apologize profusely and we will ensure all repainting selections are to the community standards.
Today, Dr. Woof, the Executive Director and Chief Medical Officer for the Department of Public Shmealth issued an opinion piece in the local Rocky Flats City paper. Citing his numerous studies of cancer rates in the county, he quipped he is tired of the myths that continue to follow the site some twelve years later.
We asked him to join us today at a local neighborhood for a quote and a photo op, and were surprised when he was happy to oblige.
At a building site in the Laden-Pu neighborhood we met, where we were taken aback by his clothing selection. We asked if he would like to change into something more comfortable, and the shaking back and fourth of his head gear indicated, it was a 'no'.
Dr Woof said, and we quote "murr hrragagur shuur qu(sp?). Da ewo moo wur shoe."
Later, back at the office, Dr. Woof called our offices to clarify a point, "everyone knows that once you tell plutonium to be safe, it will. It is one of the most obedient radionuclides known to man."
We don't want to make follow up calls or Google that one, and our own head shaking gave us a headache, so we are calling this is a win for our neighborhoods!
Our field reporters spoke with Billy Bob, the fragile Deputy City Manager for Rocky Flats City today to discuss the progress on the tollway, which has been in the planning stage for the last two hundred and five years. "We're making great progress now." He continued on "our founding wild west pioneers dreamed of one day having a twenty lane wide high speed toll way for horse & carriages in this here spot, and now we are in 2017, with 95% progress" as he pointed to a dirt embankment north of the Cansellus neighborhood.
In the recent year, a planning commission has been established to keep the public abreast of the progress and to host both public input and community sharing sessions. We asked Billy, "will public input or potential criticism potentially impact the direction of the plans submitted to the government?"
Startling us, Billy quickly drew a shot gun off his right hip, while cocking it one handed in mid air in front of him, before pointedly looking at our reporter and saying "I said sharin' session, not decision session."
Slowly backing away while keeping our eyes on him (kids, never take your eyes off crazy), we skipped on over to the Refuge to go bug our favorite refuge Manager, David Kisass.
We found him and some crew members, sitting on the ground in a circle on a spot of barren land. They were building a dirt-castle town. Hoping not to frighten the brood, we slowly approached and announced "David, we want to talk to you about the tollway."
"Go away! We're busy!" Trying to get to his level, our reporter knelt down next to David, and noticed a recent storm had left a puddle on the outside of the 'town'. What's that water David? "It's Lake Shutdahellup.' We realized we weren't going to get any further and left.
We will of course share when we have more information on this topic.
The Federal department of Outdoorsy Stuff conducted its last "Sharing Session" this evening in the Rocky Flats Center for the Arts & Inhumanities. The public was invited on the premise of "sharing" feelings, information, and directions of the future of the Manna site Refuge.
Unfortunately, the event as a whole was blindsided by a government which had no interest in "sharing" or listening, rather stating opinion and directive and announcing at the end of the event they would not entertain actual public voice, but rather, post-its with written quips from the public.
Turmoil began following a long, slow, drawn out speech from Carl of the State Department of Public Smealth, and David Kissass from the Department of Outdoorsy Stuff. The temperature of the room rose after a female Jeff Sessions of the EPA spoke softly into the microphone to the crowded room, her only word audible was "we" and the room erupted into an uproar. Local residents of both natural hair color and blue hair who were all presumably retired as to have free time prior to Prime Time were then seen holding up neon protest signs displaying the words "disagree". Tensions built as armed guards from the Department stood by exits, and the speeches ended to a conclusion that in fact the officials would not be hearing any public input. It is presumed Kellyanne Conway's sister delivered the closing ceremony although we never gathered a name, with her words of the impending closure of the discussion, without public input, the room riled. Suddenly, an outsider with too much time on her time, stood up, drawing the attention of all media coverage. Roundhouse kicking the chair in front of her from her back row position (launching an unfortunate elderly man into his aisle) she boomed "You idiots, we have facts, we have science, and we have a voice!" Conway's sister rallied "Umm, that's why we aren't taking public input, so I conclude this meeting." The official conclusion of the meeting would not be the end of the meeting, with local media taking interviews with people who had a spare ten minutes and an opinion, and several members of the community threatening legal escalation of the issue.
We as a neighborhood association have been faced with the task of taking a side, and we deem it is in our best interest to not proceed with this Refuge project. You've all purchased on the premise of a refuge, but have never enjoyed such a benefit, and being such a hot topic, we believe it should remain that way. It is unlikely that opening it will present no negative press coverage, debate, or discussion, and to go on with our lives we think if we just continue as we have, it will better serve the community.
A surprise late Spring storm battered our community today. With official reports indicating the neighborhood received a beating by hail of 3.0" diameter, the Community Association was pleased to report that only 21 homes were hit by direct lightning strikes, and only 127 households lost windows, while 643 suffered visible roofing damage. "The fire department only had to respond to 36 households" said Mesha of the community center proudly." She continued "compared to last year, I think the neighborhood is really going to see an improvement in the wild weather conditions that afflict the area." Weather conditions along the front range continue to be an impromptu source of media coverage for the neighborhood, logged within the rotating atmospheric swirl known as the 'Denver Convection Zone'. Weather resumed being temperate hours later, and a blizzard with up to four feet of snow was predicted for the neighborhood one and a half weeks later.
In an amazing feat, a local home has sold for more than the requested price. June Everest of W 92nd in Cansellus put her 6,991 square foot home on the market after Thanksgiving for $400,000. She buit the home three years ago for nearly three quarters of a million dollars. "The realtors said if I asked for less than the fair market analysis I would get an offer frenzy." said June. After spending $8,000 in professional staging, the home was presented to the market in a series of open houses and garnered a large amount of interest. Within a month an offer was presented which June could not resist, "$402,000 was more than I could have ever imagined getting to get out of here" said June. Asked where her future bed lay, June was noted as saying "we just built a house in Goodyear next to the oil wells and I think that will be a great relief from the stresses we face living in this charged environment of public concern and potential contamination, the oil wells confirm we will never have neighbors as opposed to here where the Outdoorsy Department is trying to build on the open space." The sales of Junes home marks a remarkable 57 dollar a square foot sales price and we expect residents are going to be quick to take advantage of that.
The Dumb Local University has apparently been doing a "health study" of the outsiders who live just outside of our neighborhoods and lived around the Manna Plant in the decades prior to our presence, and the preliminary findings were released today to a packed library full of residents whom have too much time on their hands.
Apparently, residing in our vicinity increases our risk of contracting a "rare cancer" by 1.5 billion times, and increases our risk of a thyroid cancer by 1.2 gagillion times.
Candidly, Carl with the state Department of Public Smealth, blurted out "no, this is on par with the touch of cancer the community is expected to receive...you're all a part of the expected riskpool." In all fairness Carl has been promoting the release of our new community kids film, 'Finding Chemo'.
Lavished in response following this, naysayers were quick to perk up and question, "Are you insane?" asked Alesya before literally dropping her microphone, a local naysayer to which Carl replied "this county plucks off one of two people to cancer, it's normal and it's what we expect and what we see." Another local gawker, Dale said "How come the people of Lost Animal County don't have the same cancer rates as our community?" to which Carl said "We are a touched community here. We have been built on a foundation of asbestos products and lead paint, and with that, we see a higher rate of cancer due to chemical exposures, but certainly not due to the overwhelming amounts of radiation emitting from the Manna site."
Carl rushed himself from the building leaving our reporters unable to further question him, and community activists were too busy with local news networks to be bothered with our independent reporting. We will follow this story and report on future developments.
Stay Tuned for the latest
From crappy lemonade stand reviews, to who's who in the latest failed marriage drama, we will have it here!