As if things weren't already shaky around here, the Powers That Be are admitting to accidentally sending plumes of radiation to Rocky Flats City residents. Apparently, after 26 years, the locals have gotten their way, and Uncle Sam is now paying them off for "environmental trespass" of their land with radioactive contamination, to the sweet tune of $ 375 million.
Now, those liberal tree huggers and science nerds are all up in arms over how exciting this is, but none of the media thought to ask our community how it makes us feel.
So here it is, we are sitting here building our homesteads proudly on a foundation of VOC's and Plutonium/Uranium and we aren't afraid of a little nuisance dust. We are the first of our kind, building proudly atop the nuclear waste of a bygone era, and we're gonna show that it works, and that it can be beautiful.
Asked for opinion, Tiffany of 87th Drive said "What do you mean there is contamination here?" We quickly sent her to the local Flathead Mall with a prepaid Debit card so that her only thought process would be "What outfit matches these kickass shoes?"
Shirley Seller was quick to voice, "What? Why are you people still there, this should be a listing orgy. I should have two coming at me from every side, on every street..." Oh our Shirley. She's such a trooper.
Rocky Flats State University launches multi-city health study to examine nuclear effects on residents.
Well, well. Looks like those science-types are getting their way with a health study of the people who lived downwind from our precious communities in the last 40 years. Now, we don't want our community to worry about the potential results. We remind people that the radiation in the ground is already, like, 25years old. Yes, the media and science folk are going to say in their squeaky voices "but the radiation lasts for thousands of years..." but we say, "Prove it." And that is just what our residents are doing. We live on ground zero, and hold our heads up high every day. Yes, the results of this study could plummet our property values to nothing, but we as a community live on a soil-bed of hope, and some alpha radiation, and we're willing to risk it.
Local Realtor, Shirley Seller, had this to say "Sell now. For the love of God, sell." But local resident Trey of Devinney Street says "Toxic, shoxic. Those tree huggers will do anything to keep our kind of people from developing gorgeous lands like the area we live in." Overhearing this, Environmental Advocate Alesya N. Viromente, quipped "The hell you talking abut Trey? I have a PhD, drive an S-Class Mercedes, live in a nicer house in a safe area, and have tried to show you the evidence we have. Don't be throwing no shade, you common fool..." Ouch.
This is sure to be an interesting story as it develops.
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