Well talk about a total drag. The Powers That Be are going to be fishing around in the Toxic Landfills (#1 and or #2) to do some repairs to the trenches that handle groundwater contamination from the leaking landfills. Gosh darn it, it turns out the landfills are seeping more than double the contaminants than what they planned for. Now, this means they are going to have men in the HazMat suits and heavy equipment up at the Holy Land in the middle of our Nature Sanctuary. Unfortunately, we do have to acknowledge, that at the depths they will be digging, this is going to be opening up some scary stuff to the elements which can be carried away with the wind and precipitation, and as such, we must quietly ask that you all remain indoors, for the next six months until a nice solid artic snow covering has built up on your landscape, and even then, please try to hold off on the snowmen until after a few different snow storms.)
We apologize in advance for any inconvenience.
Shirley Seller was spotted doing shots with little Marjorie, now 9, of the Cansellus neighborhood and noted she can still get your Property listed. "The trick is in matching your visible makeup to the HazMat suit. For that, I'm a pro. The key is in going with a spring or winter theme to compliment with the harsh and brash tones of the HazMat suit." We applaud Shirley on her continued efforts to get us all out of here, with the shirts on our backs with her MLS-magic.
Recently a small group of residents have come up with a brilliant idea to increase our property values. Noting the levels of errant Plutonium and Uranium in their soils, Ginger (it's a total "dancer" stage name from the 90's, and we all know it, Ginger) of 89th Loop noted that the U.S. Government was ramping up its nuclear weapons program, and that these elements have a certain value. "I have one hot spot alone in my side yard that is measuring 488 picocuries per gram of Plutonium" exclaimed the Ginge. While failing to explain how she got in touch with such forbidden science, the Ginge muttered on "we should sell our soil, under our mineral rights, to the Government, and instead of producing new costly Plutonium and Uranium, they could just haul away and replace our soil, and separate the soil from the Plutonium and Uranium particles." While we think you just might be on to something, we were unable to further discuss the matter as the Conformity Board, or HOA (depending on your specific neighborhood) came in to pull Ginger aside for some re-training.
An issue waiting to come to a boil, has finally this week. With the summer days, and neighbors participating in approved-outdoor activities (such as unloading of groceries, required waving-from-porch-to-outsiders time, and checking of mail, as some examples) residents have noticed that the delivery of the Rocky Flats City Paper, creates an unpleasant and prolonged nuisance sound.
Michelle G. of Coors Loop in CancerCluster, first identified the problem earlier in the Spring; "I would be sitting there and hear a slapping sound outside, it would recur, but louder, and again, louder, and finally start recurring but quieter each time. I was baffled as to what it could be."
Today, Jeff of Shh! Creek found himself sitting outside going thru his mail, when the sound issue occurred, and upon looking up, he saw it was being caused by the delivery of the newspaper. "They just threw it out the passenger side window of their Suburu, causing it to land on my driveway!" Jeff proclaimed. "It was incredibly rude and lacked civility."
Now residents are demanding a change to the delivery system, with some requesting that the paper be delivered to the softer surface of their landscaping, while some would like to see the paper walked up to the front porch and set down in a quiet manner.
We discussed the issue with Sean, a Delivery Driver for the paper. He noted that at minimum wage, there was "zero chance in hell I'm walking the paper to the porch." He did however identify a possible cure he has recently discussed with the Management at the Paper, "I've always wanted a cannon system, like a t-shirt cannon at sporting events. That way I could aim the paper right at the resident and shoot it, so that the resident could have a moment to hand-eye-coordinate receiving the paper, quietly." When asked if their would be any downsides, he noted "occasionally, people may not be able to catch a newspaper launching at them under 2500p.s.i. of pressure or 38 miles per hour, but if it hit them, it would bounce quietly to the ground." He also said "I could also use this to deliver to their bushes. I would gladly use this to deliver to their bushes, or their hands of course."
It appears we have a textbook example of "Problem" and "Solution" here, folks. Let's see how this turns out.
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