Shirley Sellers has been frantically busy these last few weeks. "It appears people are heeding common sense and getting the hell out, finally" she was quoted saying Friday morning in between faxes of accepted offers.
"I had always hoped we'd have a super hot market in these neighborhoods, but I didn't quite expect sale prices to be fire-sale hot" she quipped. "But buyers have been aware of the public opinion of this community, and are accepting the drastic impact on their values" she added.
Indeed, recent sales data shows sales prices are as low as 90% of asking price, creating enticing $50,000 discounts on a lot of properties.
We asked if the price trend is expected to continue for much longer, "Is that a joke? Why would prices go up? Builders can't dump these properties quick enough, and last I checked no one is signing up to be on the waiting list for Cancer" Shirley belted out.
Indeed we all understand this community isn't every ones cup of tea, and while we greatly appreciate our neighbors who vigilantly continue residing here we must respect those who choose to leave us and our greater vision behind.
Unfortunately, too many people have been having not-so-hushed conversation about a possible cluster of miscarriages occurring within the Five Parks community.
Now, very few were willing to speak with our journalistic team about their own personal tragedies, understandably, so we turned to local Physicians and the States Department of Public Smealth for insight.
Local Family-Practice Physician, Dr. Jones had this to say, "Seriously, why are you asking about this? This is a no-brainer, stick a bunch of fertile people on a bed of ionizing radiation, and you're going to be losing fetuses like spare change..."
Carl with the Department of Public Smealth informed us that the average rate of miscarriages was around 15%. When we advised that it appeared the rate was more than double that number in Five Parks, he replied with "Than I guess that will be the new acceptable average. I'll write that down."
So there you have it, two sides of professional opinion. What can we say? We knew going into our homes that we were taking some risks, and we must remain strong to ride this out. We are all a part of a special community. Special communities have special risks.
It's been mentioned a few times that Uber and Lyft drivers can't seem to locate our addresses and that makes thing a little bit difficult. We don't apologize for that, but feel you all are owed an explanation. As a safety precaution, those silly outsiders don't seem to want to put our streets on any maps, and thus have to drive into guaranteed alleged environmental danger. As if! Just call the driver as they get close and give those whiny streetcar-servants the turn by turn directions to come pick you up, or stay sober enough on your way home to do this in the vehicle (putting you on blast, "eight shots down, eight to go" Amelia of Ellis Way).
Even though we've all but told you to stay indoors, it seems like you sheeple strong-willed determined residents, just insist on being outside...in near one hundred degree weather, amidst radioactive piles of construction dirt and dust. It makes sense to embrace your idiotic sense of community with an upcoming 5k race for our neighborhood! So, next weekend, Saturday the 16th, starting at 9am, we will all meet up at the entrance to the Laden Pu community (Plutonium Parkway entrance) and set off on a spirited walk (or run...in fact since we do have to cross the Pu Parkway on a weekend, and drivers here don't much like slowing below 55mph, it is best to run across that road or risk being the next roadkill.) From Laden Pu we will journey around the Laden Ur neighborhood then cross over the Parkway and head for the CancerCluster at Five Parks development. In Five Parks, we will allow a brief intermission at the local restaurant, and you may treat yourself to a non-alcoholic beverage, or an adult beverage, because quite frankly, we've noticed alcohol consumption is shooting up around here. Is it the declining values? The stress of almost realizing your new reality? Either way, bottoms up, and out we go. You're going to be getting HOT on this last leg; we'll venture around Shh!! Creek before meandering our way through the Cansellus neighborhood. We haven't the patience to actually measure out the journey, but with or without intervening weather conditions, we're guaranteeing you 5,000 alpha-emitting radiation particles in your body by days end. Most of those particles will pass thru your digestive tract, but a few will stick, and on that basis, we're calling this the Run To Cancer 5k. We can't wait to see the spirit and pride you'll bring to this event.
Afterwards, we encourage a few of you to make the jog up the Nuclear Mile into good 'ole Rocky Flats Lounge, where you can get piss-drunk and fight a Jackelope on your return trip home.
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From crappy lemonade stand reviews, to who's who in the latest failed marriage drama, we will have it here!