News struck recently this week that the Federal Department of Outdoorsy Stuff was giving some major bankroll to a local PR Firm to give our Wildlife Refuge some recognition, and maybe even a good name.
According to several local newspaper articles, the Department of Outdoorsy Stuff is going to be paying a Boulder based PR firm, $ 76,000 to beef up the public image of our Refuge to increase support and future attendance. (Should the Refuge ever open up to daily unsupervised activities by visitors.)
Riding the excitement of this weekends realization that our area is just, simply, hot to trot, our Chief Journalist headed over to see David Kissass, whom is in charge of the Refuge within the Department of Outdoorsy Stuff, to get the scoop.
He met with our staff on the grounds of the Refuge for the exclusive interview.
With blood shot eyes, and speaking a thousand words a minute, David told us "this land if f**king great. Everybody needs to realize that. This is a gift from the gods. I want hoards of children here, learning about this miraculous place. Hell, I even want children conceived here." He briefly stopped to take out a small straw from his inner coat jacket pocket, to do, what seemed to be a "line" off of the barren soil on the Refuge grounds. Upon doing a 'courtesy wipe' of his nostrils, he continued "I've got an endangered mouse species, an exotic xeric tallgrass, and loads of other animals, this is a goddamn outdoor adventure park that can be enjoyed by the whole family!"
While doing his second "line" off of the soil, we asked "But David, how can you eliminate the image of what the site is? A poorly managed nuclear waste landfill, the results of a poorly managed clean up after a Men-In-Black shut down that sent the original operations out to pasture?"
Less hastily and calm, David replied with "Man, you really believe that the Men in Black were ever here? I mean think about. Mainstream media. They are just doing the bidding of the wealthy. We don't have any evidence they were ever actually here. Hell, we don't even know if there was any radiation even here. For all we know, all that was made here were the little happy scrubbing bubbles in dish detergent. Facts go astray, man."
After he stopped, David proceeded to do his third "line" off the barren soil, and while his nose bled, we asked "But David, we have reputable 1992 Rocky Flats State University soil sampling which does show that radiation is here, and in large quantities. Also, isn't your exotic tallgrass just good for hiding that annoying federally protected mouse? Doesn't the tallgrass just make for an excellent brush fire burn material, and shouldn't the refuge just be viewed from outside, looking out at the gorgeous views our neighborhoods offer?"
Apparently angered, David snorted a fourth line of barren topsoil before he added this, "My land here is safe! I encourage anyone to breathe it in! I do all day long. I make my employees breathe it in whenever they get a chance". He paused, noting a group of employees under his supervision approaching. David kicked up a huge cloud of dust, and yelled at them all "breathe it in bitches, this is your home now, your future, be one with it...We are one with it." He proceeded to grab one employee by the back of the neck and draw his head downwards into the dust plume. "Breathe it in mother f**ker, this is who you are now."
Feeling sad, and fearful thoughts, our crew headed out without formal announcement.
We hope to have an interview with the PR Firm on this exclusive and unique situation this week, so please stay tuned!
Parkinson's Cluster in Five Parks
Worried residents came to us this morning after having identified a potential cluster of Parkinson's on their street, West 83rd. "Every other house has a Parkinson's patient!" pleaded Julia L. "Is it infectious, am I going to be the next one to get it?" she squirmed.
These questions went above and beyond our Google capabilities, so we got our favorite local physician on the horn. "They've lived there about a decade and are continuously getting exposures to ionizing radiation. They're basically melting off their neurotransmitters like a 4th of July fireworks show goes through explosives. It isn't contagious, so whomever was worried about that, should read a book"
Lacking any compassion in his tune, worried, we called our favorite Department of Sthealth representative, Carl. "Housekeeping" he answered in a cheesy accent, and we realized he recognized our phone neighbor on his Caller ID. We called back this afternoon from a different number, and he was stuck dealing with us.
When we informed him that we had identified a very high rate of households with Parkinson's patients, he responded with "NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!!!" angrily. We requested he review the numbers of cases per street and were met with "No. It doesn't work that way. I will only look at the numbers for the zip code, never the neighborhood" as a reply. Further pleading was met with little empathy. "The beauty of the way we operate is that we can look at all the cases in that neighborhood, and then compare it with the incidence rate of the 10,000 new households moving in to the triple zero seven. Those new households completely block out your freakshow. Now leave me alone" stated the obviously distraught Carl.
We are left with little answers, so all we can say is "bless your hearts" and pray harder.
A horse, publicity, and now a song!
As annoying at that horse is, and as awful as the news stories are we have to hear every week, we now have the honor of having a song produced regarding our land! If this doesn't mean we have culture by the buttload here in our region, we just can't imagine what it does mean.
Then, it dawned on us! We are the talk of the town! All this publicity means eyes are on us, and people probably want to be us!! We even think this could help with our ailing property values, some of us could get out and break even, or maybe even make a profit, we jogged on over to Shirley Sellers car, found in the Laden Pu neighborhood to inquire if our hunches were right about increasing our values, "Are you high?" Shirley asked after flicking her it cigarette at us. She then excused herself hurriedly saying "there's a brick wall I need to go beat my head on" before driving away.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, here is the song produced under the Tom's Song label on YouTube, it would make a great 'round-the-campfire tune to sing. We must remind you though, NEVER BURN ANYTHING IN YOUR YARDS!
Stay Tuned for the latest
From crappy lemonade stand reviews, to who's who in the latest failed marriage drama, we will have it here!