The Federal Department of Outdoorsy Stuff is holding its first "Sharing Session" tonight to discuss the opening of our sacred land to the public. David Kissass, in charge of the Refuge, had this to say "we are going to listen to the people, but then we are going to open up this land to the public." Befuddled, our reporters continued to probe, "Mr. Kissass, what about concerns by the outsiders that this land has no right to be open to willful public visitation?" David replied "People need to come here. There's only a small chance they are going to get cancer and genetic mutations by breathing on the land, it's silly to not allow people to enjoy such a beautiful scenic environment with sacred wildlife even though there's some radiation." The discussion at the sharing session tonight is expected to draw some controversy and perhaps even heated discussion.
Finally. What we have all been waiting for.
David Kissass of the Federal Department of Outdoorsy Stuff announced, he would be opening up our beloved Wildlife Refuge to the public.
McKenzie, a new purchaser in the Cansellus neighborhood, the mother of three infants, and expecting, said "I am so excited to be able to walk on the grounds. My husband and I did the research into the neighborhood, and knew what to expect going in, but we knew that the minute the grounds opened up, our homes value would double."
In the community meeting, David Kissass, had this to say, "right now, we need to be afraid of what those outsiders say. They have these so called facts, and these so called statistics. These people are dangerous. They want to sprinkle their facts and statistics on the unknowing, and scare them away with their facts. But we here in the State of Colorado have already demonstrated we can ignore those so called facts and statistics. We make the rules. You let those in power make the decisions, and this decision, ladies and gentleman, is that this ground is safe, this ground is holy. I want you to kiss this land. I want you to breathe it in. I want you to sit here day after day. Take deep breaths when you're here. This is nature. These naysayers are only trying to waste their hippie time and make you have a bad day. We seriously need a watch group on top of them. What good could a group of freelance people be up to in protesting our lands, do they have nothing better to do? They don't live here. How do they know what we deal with?"
Stunned, even our own reporters walked away to collect themselves. We caught up with Shirley Sellers, who was smoking on the side of a house in Five Parks. She was putting out her cigarette against the red brick façade of a home when she said "I get it. This is all or nothing. We're all in. Balls to the wall or bust".
And so, we might be getting a new wildlife refuge or else the naysayers do us in. We don't know which way it will turn, and frankly, as the oversight for all of you, we must insist that we don't get our refuge. Let everything be, as is. We're already an experiment, let's not add an explosive failure to the mix, but we've seen time and time before, you're going to be outside, walking around, exploring. So with that, we say, "god bless."
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