The Dumb Local University has apparently been doing a "health study" of the outsiders who live just outside of our neighborhoods and lived around the Manna Plant in the decades prior to our presence, and the preliminary findings were released today to a packed library full of residents whom have too much time on their hands.
Apparently, residing in our vicinity increases our risk of contracting a "rare cancer" by 1.5 billion times, and increases our risk of a thyroid cancer by 1.2 gagillion times.
Candidly, Carl with the state Department of Public Smealth, blurted out "no, this is on par with the touch of cancer the community is expected to receive...you're all a part of the expected riskpool." In all fairness Carl has been promoting the release of our new community kids film, 'Finding Chemo'.
Lavished in response following this, naysayers were quick to perk up and question, "Are you insane?" asked Alesya before literally dropping her microphone, a local naysayer to which Carl replied "this county plucks off one of two people to cancer, it's normal and it's what we expect and what we see." Another local gawker, Dale said "How come the people of Lost Animal County don't have the same cancer rates as our community?" to which Carl said "We are a touched community here. We have been built on a foundation of asbestos products and lead paint, and with that, we see a higher rate of cancer due to chemical exposures, but certainly not due to the overwhelming amounts of radiation emitting from the Manna site."
Carl rushed himself from the building leaving our reporters unable to further question him, and community activists were too busy with local news networks to be bothered with our independent reporting. We will follow this story and report on future developments.
We are saddened to report that today several sources have confirmed that our favorite and most dedicated local realtor, Shirley Sellers, has been detained within the confines of the Lutheran Mindset for Healing True Believers Medical Center for a reported breakdown. It is reported she went off in a stretcher babbling "no, no, it's only going to get worse now, we have to make it stop."
We wish Shirley a speedy recovery and hope to have her back on board soon. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family who are now left to cook their own dinner and launder their own clothes.
Tonight marks our 2016 election. With it, we expect to reign in the rule of Ms. Hillary R. Clinton. With her in office, we fully expect such environmental controversies as our neighborhoods to be eliminated with a swift and forceful movement to enforce environmental regulations. Residents should prepare for a payout from the big brother. Lord knows such a lib-tard won't understand the beauty of our community and the experiment we are participating in. We implore residents to obtain fair market value summaries of their home, and our favorite local realtor, Shirley Sellers is willing to provide them, when asked "It's done? It's finally over. Oh thank god. I miss the life I had before" while she was smoking from a suspicious glass pipe in between two buildings in the commercial district of Five Parks.
We are certainly going to stay on top of this story as it will be rapidly progressing once the liberal lizards get in to office in a couple of months.
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From crappy lemonade stand reviews, to who's who in the latest failed marriage drama, we will have it here!