Parkinson's Cluster in Five Parks
Worried residents came to us this morning after having identified a potential cluster of Parkinson's on their street, West 83rd. "Every other house has a Parkinson's patient!" pleaded Julia L. "Is it infectious, am I going to be the next one to get it?" she squirmed.
These questions went above and beyond our Google capabilities, so we got our favorite local physician on the horn. "They've lived there about a decade and are continuously getting exposures to ionizing radiation. They're basically melting off their neurotransmitters like a 4th of July fireworks show goes through explosives. It isn't contagious, so whomever was worried about that, should read a book"
Lacking any compassion in his tune, worried, we called our favorite Department of Sthealth representative, Carl. "Housekeeping" he answered in a cheesy accent, and we realized he recognized our phone neighbor on his Caller ID. We called back this afternoon from a different number, and he was stuck dealing with us.
When we informed him that we had identified a very high rate of households with Parkinson's patients, he responded with "NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!!!" angrily. We requested he review the numbers of cases per street and were met with "No. It doesn't work that way. I will only look at the numbers for the zip code, never the neighborhood" as a reply. Further pleading was met with little empathy. "The beauty of the way we operate is that we can look at all the cases in that neighborhood, and then compare it with the incidence rate of the 10,000 new households moving in to the triple zero seven. Those new households completely block out your freakshow. Now leave me alone" stated the obviously distraught Carl.
We are left with little answers, so all we can say is "bless your hearts" and pray harder.
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