We are saddened to report that today several sources have confirmed that our favorite and most dedicated local realtor, Shirley Sellers, has been detained within the confines of the Lutheran Mindset for Healing True Believers Medical Center for a reported breakdown. It is reported she went off in a stretcher babbling "no, no, it's only going to get worse now, we have to make it stop."
We wish Shirley a speedy recovery and hope to have her back on board soon. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family who are now left to cook their own dinner and launder their own clothes.
Tonight marks our 2016 election. With it, we expect to reign in the rule of Ms. Hillary R. Clinton. With her in office, we fully expect such environmental controversies as our neighborhoods to be eliminated with a swift and forceful movement to enforce environmental regulations. Residents should prepare for a payout from the big brother. Lord knows such a lib-tard won't understand the beauty of our community and the experiment we are participating in. We implore residents to obtain fair market value summaries of their home, and our favorite local realtor, Shirley Sellers is willing to provide them, when asked "It's done? It's finally over. Oh thank god. I miss the life I had before" while she was smoking from a suspicious glass pipe in between two buildings in the commercial district of Five Parks.
We are certainly going to stay on top of this story as it will be rapidly progressing once the liberal lizards get in to office in a couple of months.
The Federal Department of Outdoorsy Stuff is holding its first "Sharing Session" tonight to discuss the opening of our sacred land to the public. David Kissass, in charge of the Refuge, had this to say "we are going to listen to the people, but then we are going to open up this land to the public." Befuddled, our reporters continued to probe, "Mr. Kissass, what about concerns by the outsiders that this land has no right to be open to willful public visitation?" David replied "People need to come here. There's only a small chance they are going to get cancer and genetic mutations by breathing on the land, it's silly to not allow people to enjoy such a beautiful scenic environment with sacred wildlife even though there's some radiation." The discussion at the sharing session tonight is expected to draw some controversy and perhaps even heated discussion.
Finally. What we have all been waiting for.
David Kissass of the Federal Department of Outdoorsy Stuff announced, he would be opening up our beloved Wildlife Refuge to the public.
McKenzie, a new purchaser in the Cansellus neighborhood, the mother of three infants, and expecting, said "I am so excited to be able to walk on the grounds. My husband and I did the research into the neighborhood, and knew what to expect going in, but we knew that the minute the grounds opened up, our homes value would double."
In the community meeting, David Kissass, had this to say, "right now, we need to be afraid of what those outsiders say. They have these so called facts, and these so called statistics. These people are dangerous. They want to sprinkle their facts and statistics on the unknowing, and scare them away with their facts. But we here in the State of Colorado have already demonstrated we can ignore those so called facts and statistics. We make the rules. You let those in power make the decisions, and this decision, ladies and gentleman, is that this ground is safe, this ground is holy. I want you to kiss this land. I want you to breathe it in. I want you to sit here day after day. Take deep breaths when you're here. This is nature. These naysayers are only trying to waste their hippie time and make you have a bad day. We seriously need a watch group on top of them. What good could a group of freelance people be up to in protesting our lands, do they have nothing better to do? They don't live here. How do they know what we deal with?"
Stunned, even our own reporters walked away to collect themselves. We caught up with Shirley Sellers, who was smoking on the side of a house in Five Parks. She was putting out her cigarette against the red brick façade of a home when she said "I get it. This is all or nothing. We're all in. Balls to the wall or bust".
And so, we might be getting a new wildlife refuge or else the naysayers do us in. We don't know which way it will turn, and frankly, as the oversight for all of you, we must insist that we don't get our refuge. Let everything be, as is. We're already an experiment, let's not add an explosive failure to the mix, but we've seen time and time before, you're going to be outside, walking around, exploring. So with that, we say, "god bless."
News struck recently this week that the Federal Department of Outdoorsy Stuff was giving some major bankroll to a local PR Firm to give our Wildlife Refuge some recognition, and maybe even a good name.
According to several local newspaper articles, the Department of Outdoorsy Stuff is going to be paying a Boulder based PR firm, $ 76,000 to beef up the public image of our Refuge to increase support and future attendance. (Should the Refuge ever open up to daily unsupervised activities by visitors.)
Riding the excitement of this weekends realization that our area is just, simply, hot to trot, our Chief Journalist headed over to see David Kissass, whom is in charge of the Refuge within the Department of Outdoorsy Stuff, to get the scoop.
He met with our staff on the grounds of the Refuge for the exclusive interview.
With blood shot eyes, and speaking a thousand words a minute, David told us "this land if f**king great. Everybody needs to realize that. This is a gift from the gods. I want hoards of children here, learning about this miraculous place. Hell, I even want children conceived here." He briefly stopped to take out a small straw from his inner coat jacket pocket, to do, what seemed to be a "line" off of the barren soil on the Refuge grounds. Upon doing a 'courtesy wipe' of his nostrils, he continued "I've got an endangered mouse species, an exotic xeric tallgrass, and loads of other animals, this is a goddamn outdoor adventure park that can be enjoyed by the whole family!"
While doing his second "line" off of the soil, we asked "But David, how can you eliminate the image of what the site is? A poorly managed nuclear waste landfill, the results of a poorly managed clean up after a Men-In-Black shut down that sent the original operations out to pasture?"
Less hastily and calm, David replied with "Man, you really believe that the Men in Black were ever here? I mean think about. Mainstream media. They are just doing the bidding of the wealthy. We don't have any evidence they were ever actually here. Hell, we don't even know if there was any radiation even here. For all we know, all that was made here were the little happy scrubbing bubbles in dish detergent. Facts go astray, man."
After he stopped, David proceeded to do his third "line" off the barren soil, and while his nose bled, we asked "But David, we have reputable 1992 Rocky Flats State University soil sampling which does show that radiation is here, and in large quantities. Also, isn't your exotic tallgrass just good for hiding that annoying federally protected mouse? Doesn't the tallgrass just make for an excellent brush fire burn material, and shouldn't the refuge just be viewed from outside, looking out at the gorgeous views our neighborhoods offer?"
Apparently angered, David snorted a fourth line of barren topsoil before he added this, "My land here is safe! I encourage anyone to breathe it in! I do all day long. I make my employees breathe it in whenever they get a chance". He paused, noting a group of employees under his supervision approaching. David kicked up a huge cloud of dust, and yelled at them all "breathe it in bitches, this is your home now, your future, be one with it...We are one with it." He proceeded to grab one employee by the back of the neck and draw his head downwards into the dust plume. "Breathe it in mother f**ker, this is who you are now."
Feeling sad, and fearful thoughts, our crew headed out without formal announcement.
We hope to have an interview with the PR Firm on this exclusive and unique situation this week, so please stay tuned!
Parkinson's Cluster in Five Parks
Worried residents came to us this morning after having identified a potential cluster of Parkinson's on their street, West 83rd. "Every other house has a Parkinson's patient!" pleaded Julia L. "Is it infectious, am I going to be the next one to get it?" she squirmed.
These questions went above and beyond our Google capabilities, so we got our favorite local physician on the horn. "They've lived there about a decade and are continuously getting exposures to ionizing radiation. They're basically melting off their neurotransmitters like a 4th of July fireworks show goes through explosives. It isn't contagious, so whomever was worried about that, should read a book"
Lacking any compassion in his tune, worried, we called our favorite Department of Sthealth representative, Carl. "Housekeeping" he answered in a cheesy accent, and we realized he recognized our phone neighbor on his Caller ID. We called back this afternoon from a different number, and he was stuck dealing with us.
When we informed him that we had identified a very high rate of households with Parkinson's patients, he responded with "NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!!!" angrily. We requested he review the numbers of cases per street and were met with "No. It doesn't work that way. I will only look at the numbers for the zip code, never the neighborhood" as a reply. Further pleading was met with little empathy. "The beauty of the way we operate is that we can look at all the cases in that neighborhood, and then compare it with the incidence rate of the 10,000 new households moving in to the triple zero seven. Those new households completely block out your freakshow. Now leave me alone" stated the obviously distraught Carl.
We are left with little answers, so all we can say is "bless your hearts" and pray harder.
A horse, publicity, and now a song!
As annoying at that horse is, and as awful as the news stories are we have to hear every week, we now have the honor of having a song produced regarding our land! If this doesn't mean we have culture by the buttload here in our region, we just can't imagine what it does mean.
Then, it dawned on us! We are the talk of the town! All this publicity means eyes are on us, and people probably want to be us!! We even think this could help with our ailing property values, some of us could get out and break even, or maybe even make a profit, we jogged on over to Shirley Sellers car, found in the Laden Pu neighborhood to inquire if our hunches were right about increasing our values, "Are you high?" Shirley asked after flicking her it cigarette at us. She then excused herself hurriedly saying "there's a brick wall I need to go beat my head on" before driving away.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, here is the song produced under the Tom's Song label on YouTube, it would make a great 'round-the-campfire tune to sing. We must remind you though, NEVER BURN ANYTHING IN YOUR YARDS!
Shirley Sellers has been frantically busy these last few weeks. "It appears people are heeding common sense and getting the hell out, finally" she was quoted saying Friday morning in between faxes of accepted offers.
"I had always hoped we'd have a super hot market in these neighborhoods, but I didn't quite expect sale prices to be fire-sale hot" she quipped. "But buyers have been aware of the public opinion of this community, and are accepting the drastic impact on their values" she added.
Indeed, recent sales data shows sales prices are as low as 90% of asking price, creating enticing $50,000 discounts on a lot of properties.
We asked if the price trend is expected to continue for much longer, "Is that a joke? Why would prices go up? Builders can't dump these properties quick enough, and last I checked no one is signing up to be on the waiting list for Cancer" Shirley belted out.
Indeed we all understand this community isn't every ones cup of tea, and while we greatly appreciate our neighbors who vigilantly continue residing here we must respect those who choose to leave us and our greater vision behind.
Unfortunately, too many people have been having not-so-hushed conversation about a possible cluster of miscarriages occurring within the Five Parks community.
Now, very few were willing to speak with our journalistic team about their own personal tragedies, understandably, so we turned to local Physicians and the States Department of Public Smealth for insight.
Local Family-Practice Physician, Dr. Jones had this to say, "Seriously, why are you asking about this? This is a no-brainer, stick a bunch of fertile people on a bed of ionizing radiation, and you're going to be losing fetuses like spare change..."
Carl with the Department of Public Smealth informed us that the average rate of miscarriages was around 15%. When we advised that it appeared the rate was more than double that number in Five Parks, he replied with "Than I guess that will be the new acceptable average. I'll write that down."
So there you have it, two sides of professional opinion. What can we say? We knew going into our homes that we were taking some risks, and we must remain strong to ride this out. We are all a part of a special community. Special communities have special risks.
It's been mentioned a few times that Uber and Lyft drivers can't seem to locate our addresses and that makes thing a little bit difficult. We don't apologize for that, but feel you all are owed an explanation. As a safety precaution, those silly outsiders don't seem to want to put our streets on any maps, and thus have to drive into guaranteed alleged environmental danger. As if! Just call the driver as they get close and give those whiny streetcar-servants the turn by turn directions to come pick you up, or stay sober enough on your way home to do this in the vehicle (putting you on blast, "eight shots down, eight to go" Amelia of Ellis Way).
Stay Tuned for the latest
From crappy lemonade stand reviews, to who's who in the latest failed marriage drama, we will have it here!