The Dumb Local University has apparently been doing a "health study" of the outsiders who live just outside of our neighborhoods and lived around the Manna Plant in the decades prior to our presence, and the preliminary findings were released today to a packed library full of residents whom have too much time on their hands.
Apparently, residing in our vicinity increases our risk of contracting a "rare cancer" by 1.5 billion times, and increases our risk of a thyroid cancer by 1.2 gagillion times.
Candidly, Carl with the state Department of Public Smealth, blurted out "no, this is on par with the touch of cancer the community is expected to receive...you're all a part of the expected riskpool." In all fairness Carl has been promoting the release of our new community kids film, 'Finding Chemo'.
Lavished in response following this, naysayers were quick to perk up and question, "Are you insane?" asked Alesya before literally dropping her microphone, a local naysayer to which Carl replied "this county plucks off one of two people to cancer, it's normal and it's what we expect and what we see." Another local gawker, Dale said "How come the people of Lost Animal County don't have the same cancer rates as our community?" to which Carl said "We are a touched community here. We have been built on a foundation of asbestos products and lead paint, and with that, we see a higher rate of cancer due to chemical exposures, but certainly not due to the overwhelming amounts of radiation emitting from the Manna site."
Carl rushed himself from the building leaving our reporters unable to further question him, and community activists were too busy with local news networks to be bothered with our independent reporting. We will follow this story and report on future developments.
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